Republican Scamp Tom Sawyer Tricks School Board into Whitewashing History

4 Mar

HANNIBAL, Mo.—Boasting loudly about how much fun it was to rewrite politicized versions of American history, conservative Senator Tom Sawyer of Missouri reportedly tricked the state’s gullible school board into whitewashing social studies curriculum for him earlier today.

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“Ronald Reagan single-handedly brought down the USSR.”

“Boy, changing these textbooks to say the Civil War was about states’ rights instead of slavery sure is a hum-dinger of a good time,” Senator Sawyer was overheard telling a curious member of the Mississippi Education Commission, who begged Sawyer for the opportunity to try whitewashing for himself. “How lucky am I that I get strip any mention of the genocide of Native Americans out of AP History tests? You don’t even know what you’re missing.”

Insiders say Senator Sawyer was originally assigned the chore by his overbearing, yet affectionate SuperPAC, The Liberty Fund, to help him build character, but outsourced the job while pocketing $250,000 in soft money donations.

“That Tom sure is a handful!” said Liberty Fund President Grant Polly, “but as long he washes up for supper and students in Missouri are taught the Founding Fathers were Evangelical Christians, we’re happy.”

The lovable scamp Sawyer then spent the afternoon skipping stones at the crick with childhood friend Huck Finn in an effort to court blue collar voters.

Chivalrous Kidnapper Still Opens Car Trunk for Women

16 Feb

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Though he acknowledges the practice may seem outdated in today’s society, Dallas-based kidnapper Mark Thomas Burwell says he still believes in old-fashioned gestures like opening the car trunk for a woman when abducting her.

“I know it’s the 21st century and all, but I was raised to be a gentleman,” said Burwell, who staunchly opposes going Dutch when paying for rope, padlocks and plastic sheeting. “After I’ve been with a young lady a while, I think the respectful thing is to call her father and say ‘Sir, I’d like to ask for your daughter’s ransom.’”

Burwell admits the gender norms of randomly snatching women off the street and holding them captive have been shifting over the years, but he insists that, unlike Cheryl Perkins, a math teacher reported missing in July 2012, chivalry is not dead.

Archivist Notes Troubling Gap in Boyfriend’s Browser History

6 Feb
source: Wikimedia Commons

source: Wikimedia Commons

NEW YORK – After exploring the internet browsing history on her boyfriend’s laptop Friday, amateur archivist Lindsay Gore says she observed several inexplicable gaps in what should have been an unbroken record of activity stretching back weeks, if not months.

Though Gore refrained from making specific accusations about why boyfriend Dave Meyers may have cleared the browser history, she did confirm the gaps appear quite suspicious.

“I don’t even know what Dave is up to, but this is hella shady,” said Gore, noting that Meyers has a habit of closing browser tabs when she enters the room.

According to Gore’s field notes, the first break in browsing history occurred just after she left for work Monday morning. After showing typical morning surfing on news and social media sites, records abruptly cut of at 9:30 a.m. after Meyers viewed a trailer for the film Lucy starring Scarlett Johansson.

“I know he thinks she’s hot,” Gore later confided to friends Brittany and Brooke at an after-work happy hour.

Then, after what appears to be 47 minutes of inactivity, at 10:17 a.m. Meyers resurfaced on a page several clicks deep on a fantasy football site.

Online privacy activist and boyfriend Meyers insists his browsing history is protected under the Fourth Amendment and alleges Gore’s snooping is “some stalker shit.” And though Meyers admits he redacted certain portions of the browser history and used Chrome’s Incognito mode, he denies any wrongdoing.

“I was just looking for a birthday present for you, baby,” Meyers said during a dispute at their shared Brooklyn apartment Wednesday night, “And I didn’t want to ruin the surprise by having the things I bought come up on Google ads afterwards.”

Added Meyers, “When you think about it, it’s Google who’s acting weird, not me.”

Gore said she was further troubled by the alarming rate at which tissues were being consumed in their apartment, but agreed to drop the inquiry after Meyers asked why she was snooping around his browsing history in the first place.

Area Man Just Watches Super Bowl for the Football

28 Jan

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While most Americans tune into the National Football League’s championship game every year to enjoy multi-million dollar advertisements with hilarious and sentimental premises, area fan Thomas Ogleby says, strangely enough, what he really likes about the Super Bowl is the game.

“To be honest, I’m not really much of a commercials guy,” said Ogleby, who prefers to TiVo the Super Bowl so he can fast forward through life insurance and car promos to watch the on-field action, “but in between those spots are some really incredible football drives.” And Ogleby is not alone. “Every year my co-workers and I have a great time hanging around the watercooler talking about our favorite plays,” said Ogleby.

But like many viewers, neighbor Maxine Taylor disagrees with Ogleby’s quirky preference. “I’ve been watching the Super Bowl for years and I’ll never forget highlights like Terry Tate: Office Linebacker and the E*Trade baby,” said Taylor, who says still gets chills every time she sees replays of the Budweiser Frogs. “Call me a purist, but the Super Bowl is about world-class brands competing at the top of their game.”

Earthling Wins Miss Universe Pageant for 63rd Year in a Row

26 Jan

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On Sunday evening, Paulina Vega of Columbia became the 63rd earthling in a row to be crowned Miss Universe. The beauty pageant, which judges participants based on interview, evening gown and swimwear competitions, is ostensibly open to contestants from throughout the known universe, but critics allege the contest unfairly privileges entrants from a very small subset of the galaxy.

“Every year it’s the same thing: we all pretend like we don’t know who’s going to win, but invariably it’s a bipedal humanoid from planet Earth,” says Eric Mullins, a vocal critic of the pageant, who noted that the runners up, talent winner and Miss Congeniality at this year’s pageant were also earth dwellers. “It would be like if Miss America was always a redhead from Tennessee. It’s just too predictable.”

Among his plans to diversify the contestant pool, Mullins says he hopes to attract outsiders by sending a probe deep into space containing a diamond tiara and tasteful two-piece bikini.

Guy Ordained Online Performing Circumcisions Now

19 Jan

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NEW YORK — Two months after he was ordained online in order to officiate a college friend’s wedding ceremony, graphic designer Tyler McAvoy announced in a Facebook post this morning his availability to perform other religious sacraments, including circumcision.

“Circumcision is a sacred covenant between man and God or whatever you believe in,” said internet mohel McAvoy, who attended the 45-second seminary at the Universal Life Fellowship webpage, which required him to provide his name, address and PayPal account number for the $5 ordination fee. “If I’m trusted to join two people in marriage for all eternity, I figure circumcision’s not much of a stretch.”

According to his roommate, McAvoy has been training to perform the surgery and rite of passage all afternoon by reading the Wikipedia entry on Judaism, going to the grocery for “practice hot dogs” and watching the Seinfeld episode “The Briss.”

8 Signs You’re a True ‘90s Kid – But What is Truth?

14 Jan

By Dustyn Addington and Chris Partridge

  1. If ‘90s kids can truly know anything, it’s that Odd Job was the best character for Goldeneye on N64. But that’s the question, isn’t it—what would it mean to know something?

  2. Sure, we all agree Rugrats was better than Hey Arnold!, but consensus is a pretty shaky foundation for “knowledge” in any robust sense.

  3. If you grew up between the years 1989 and 2000, then you know that Dunkaroos were the best after-school snack. But what if that sensation was just an illusion manifested by an experience machine—Would that make the tastiness of Dunkaroos any less real?

    dunkaroos

  4. Maybe it’s just our shared subjective experience filtered through a common cultural narrative, but it’s evident to all ‘90s kids that using a metal slammer in pogs was shameless cheating.

  5. Crispy, frosted tips were THE look on all the hottest ‘90s heartthrobs (presuming no Cartesian evil demon was deceiving us, rendering sense data like sight unreliable).

  6. All ‘90s kids are plagued the same burning question: Did the Game Gear in Surf Ninjas control human behavior, or did it predict an inevitable future, making choices appear free while being determined?

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    Branching realities or hard determinism? ’90s kids know what we’re talking about!
  7. At time T1, Tommy was the Green Power Ranger. At a later time, let’s call it T2, he was the White Ranger. Given the tenuous nature of personal identity over time and circumstance, can we really say Tommy was the same person at times T1 and T2?

  8. Descartes famously argues that, despite the power of skepticism, he knows he exists through a clear and distinct perception. And all ‘90s kids have a clear and distinct perception that they WANT A PIECE OF THAT AGGRO CRAAAAAG!

     Rene-Descartes_1214990c   guts-kids

Photo credits: Dunkaroos, Descartes, Guts, Odd Job, Surf Ninjas

Winter Coziness Seamlessly Transitions Into Crippling Agoraphobia

17 Dec

CHICAGO—Since temperatures began to dip below freezing last month, sources close to Jen Tescadero are worried the 27-year-old volunteer coordinator’s preference to stay inside and “be cozy” has steadily escalated into a full-blown case of agoraphobia.

Loved ones say Tescadero, thanks to the aid of internet enablers, has not left the house in more than 9 days, all the while insisting she just likes to be “toasty warm.”

“It’s been so nippy out there,” Tescadero said in a Skype interview while curled up under a fleece blanket. “If I have to pick between a negative-four wind chill and snuggling up with a hot cup of mango madness tea, it’s a pretty easy choice.”

But Tescadero’s live-in boyfriend, Brian Thomas, began to worry about her mental health after a particularly frigid commute home on Friday, December 5.

“We had reservations at this cute little Italian place and after we were gonna catch a movie,” said Thomas, who admits he may enable is girlfriend’s phobia by being “really great at tucking her in like a burrito.” “We were both wet and cold, so Jen suggested we order in and watch something on Netflix instead. I didn’t realize what a slippery slope we were on.”

With Peapod delivering their groceries, the option of telecommuting to work and an army of TaskRabbits just a mouse click away, Tescadero lost all need to step out the front door. At press time, Tescadero had gone an uninterrupted 184 hours without even putting on shoes.

“I was at work Monday and I texted to see if she could check the mail for a package from my mom,” Thomas told reporters. “She said she couldn’t because the couch was ‘feeling extra fluffy today’ but I suspect going to the curb feels like hiking the Appalachian Trail at this point.”

Observers had previously hoped Tescadero would have to leave the house to do Christmas shopping, but with Amazon Prime’s free two-day delivery, Thomas is worried there’s no end in sight.

Lumberjack on Paper Towel Package Constant Reminder of Man’s Waning Masculinity

20 Nov
The source of Perkins' crushing self-doubt: a fictional cartoon woodsman.

The source of Perkins’ crushing self-doubt: a fictional cartoon woodsman.

COLUMBUS, Ohio—According to local man Ben Perkins, there is no more constant reminder of his lackluster masculinity than the confident, flannel-clad mascot for Brawny paper towels.

Perkins, a social media manager by trade, says he frequently envies that the cartoon lumberjack gets to work with his hands and that he “probably doesn’t get nervous ordering pizza over the phone.”

“Look at that posture,” said Perkins staring at an unopened roll on top of the refrigerator. “So sure of himself. God, what I wouldn’t give.”

At time of print, Perkins announced his intention to switch to mascot-free Mardi Gras paper towels and “maybe get a weight bench off Craigslist.”

Millennial Demon Waiting Until Her Thirties To Birth Spawn of Satan

12 Nov

CELEBRATION, Fl. – Like an increasing number of demons in her generation, twenty-four-year-old hellion Bethezar Flesh-Tearer says she is in no rush to birth a spawn of Satan until at least her early thirties.

depths-of-hell-cartoonAccording to Bethezar, tormentors of human souls like her have other plans and projects that aren’t always conducive to having a tentacled anti-Christ burst from their chests on a swarm of scorpions.

“I resent the implication that our spiky, bat-winged bodies are only good for one thing—,” said Bethezar, who spent three quarters at Wellesley possessing a Women’s Studies major, “birthing offspring for the Dark Lord and ushering in a thousand years of immeasurable suffering and hellfire on Earth. It’s offensive.”

For now, Bethezar says her career inspiring misery, selfishness and envy in the hearts of all humankind comes first.

But many denizens of the Hellmouth insist the choice to wait is irresponsible.

“Occult scientists agree,” said Mordecai Brimstone, personal tormentor to baby care expert Dr. Spock, “the older a Harbinger is when she brings forth the seed of Beelzebub, the more likely that child is to have defects like moral character or empathy. When that happens, the only real option is exorcism.”

Bethezar dismisses such allegations and says she won’t even consider parenthood until she can provide a stable household for her little monster.

“Call me a romantic, but I’m still waiting to meet the man of my nightmares.”